Las Conchas Update

Below is a map (found at this site, which posts reliable updates regularly) This particular map is from yesterday...

http://nmfireinfo.wordpress.com/

As of this morning, per aerial infrared imaging, the fire is now 69,555 acres. Do not believe what you're hearing from the national media...they don't know what they are talking about when it comes to radiation or nuclear anything. Some of the footage they're showing of facilities (for example, a big room full of bombs...shown on ABC...multiple times) is not even located in New Mexico, let alone in Los Alamos. Their "experts" are...not. *Making huge efforts not to say what I really think!* And just in case you wondered, in the words of my sister, "In case you're worried: No, the Las Conchas fire is not going to contaminate Los Alamos, the southwest, or the universe with radioactive materials."

And they keep asking about the worst case scenario. Really, reporter-people??? The worst case scenario is that your idiocy finally reaches critical mass, causing your brains (and those of anyone who takes you seriously) to spontaneously combust and ooze out of your ears, creating a toxic sludge that destroys all life on our planet as we know it, and consequently causes a rift in the space-time continuum such that the entire universe is destroyed. Can YOU think of anything worse than destroying the universe?!

I rest my case.

Or maybe it would just be something like this

Or maybe, since I grew up in Los Alamos, I should go take a dip in my private stash of plutonium (all Atomic City residents are issued their own 55-gallon drums, after all) and use my resulting mutant appendages to really give these bozos a news story.

I knew the media sensationalized most (if not all) things before this, but when you hear the twists and lies and unbridled nonsense that goes unchecked on a matter you actually know something about, it really puts things into perspective. I wonder if the general public really knows anything factual about anything!

In all seriousness, though, please DO continue to pray for the firefighters who are putting their lives on the line day and night to protect the community, and for safety for all who are displaced (or who have chosen to stay). Though it doesn't sound like a whole lot, gains are being made, and the fire is now 3% contained...

Updates and Las Conchas

I. am. exhausted.

It's been a good day, but a busy one, and I'm afraid it might be a long night as well.

Julia had her 2 week check-up this afternoon. By this time, doctors generally want a baby to have gained her birth weight back. Julia has only gained 3 ounces in the past week, meaning she's still 5 ounces "low."

I'm not terribly concerned. She's eating well, putting out plenty of diapers (both wet and dirty), and she's overall very content. She is alert for long periods of time, and she sleeps well (or as well as one could expect of a newborn.) She is developing: turning toward sounds (especially familiar voices), and she's beginning to track with her eyes. She focuses on faces and other objects of interest (pictures in books, her mobile, certain toys, the ceiling fans or light fixtures, picture frames on the walls...); she's working on head control, often raising off my shoulder or her blanket during tummy time. She's really doing great!

BUT, she has had some spit-up issues...of the projectile nature. Katy had some of that when she was itty-bitty...she outgrew it. Collin had issues as well...but his worsened quickly. He had surgery to correct his pyloric stenosis when he was just 4 weeks old. Julia's forceful spitting combined with her slow weight gain prompted the doctor to examine her more thoroughly...and when "Dr. Thorough" (whom I love and will be SAD to leave when we have to start going to the base for Julia's care) thought she could feel a "thickening" near J's stomach, she decided to order an ultrasound. We trekked over to the main hospital (Wesley, for any locals who are reading), and I'm happy to report that her pyloric sphincter looks perfect.

In a wonderful and providential twist of events, I ended up not taking the other 4 kids with me to the appointment. My sweet friend (and talented photographer), Leah, had come over to take some newborn portraits of Julia, and she offered to babysit. The kids were SO excited to stay and play with her, so I gladly accepted. :) I'm SO thankful, because it would have ended up being much harder to wander around the hospital and try to keep them all calm and quiet in the various waiting areas for so long (2 hours) right at dinner time! And on top of this, my awesome church has started bringing meals over to help me transition over the next week or so. Leah was able to be here when dinner came (thank you, Peggy...it was DELICIOUS!!!), and the kids didn't have to wait till 7:30 to eat. :)

I couldn't have planned it better if I'd tried. Isn't it incredible how it all "just happened" to work out?? My God is an awesome God! :)
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On a different and sober note, if you've been watching the news, you may have been hearing about the Las Conchas wildfire, raging out of control near Los Alamos, NM...my hometown.

It started yesterday afternoon around 1:00, and by nightfall, it had expanded to over 3,500 acres. By this morning, it had exploded to a staggering 43,000+ acres!!! (Tonight, they are saying it's over 49,000 acres...larger after just one day than the terrible Cerro Grande Fire of 2000 was after a few weeks!) It is still 0% contained.

This afternoon, the town was evacuated. It brings back a lot of memories from 11 years ago and still feels so surreal. Please pray for rain, calm winds, and safety for the firefighters who are battling this blaze (and the others across the Southwest), as well as for the civilians who might be in harms way or who are facing the loss of homes or property. It's so sad to see pictures and videos of places I've known so well being forever (or at least for my lifetime) changed and scarred. Even some of the burned areas from the Cerro Grande, most of which was covered with new growth, has reignited. It's emotional to watch. Here is a link to a live webcam on Pajarito Mountain, the nearby ski hill. It's entirely possible that the camera will be gone soon...

In a stunning twist, there appears to be a silver lining to this...well, at least for me. (I hope that doesn't sound trite!) Depending on what the outlook is in the morning, my parents may be coming back here tomorrow, and staying until the town (and the lab) reopens. If progress is made toward the containment of this fire overnight, they might opt to stay closer to home; but, while I'm sad for the circumstances, it would sure be nice to have them both back here if it looks like an extended battle!

Before (along the Las Conchas trail, following the East Fork of the Jemez River...one of my very favorite places to hike)

(Picture found at this site)

After:

(Picture by Shanda Moore, posted on Facebook yesterday afternoon)

Goodbye to Grandma, and Back to Church

My mom flew back to New Mexico today. Goodbyes are always hard, and this was no exception. She has been such a huge help these past couple of weeks...I don't know how we would have managed without her!

Already, I miss the extra set of hands, the adult conversation (and someone to reel me back from the edge of insanity), the dishes that were "magically" cleaned and put away...!! :) The kids miss her, too...the attention, the time she spent sharing the things that were important to them--board games, stories, walks through the neighborhood or activities on the driveway... Collin spent a good 10 minutes combing the house looking for her when we got home from church today and was relieved to finally get to talk with her on the phone when she arrived back in Los Alamos this evening.

We all really miss you, Mom! (You too, Dad! Come back to visit soon!!!)

Here's Grandma with all the kidgets:
And church...! Today was our first day back since Julia was born. It was SO good to see everyone and feel one more piece of "normal" slip back into place. Julia did great, and I only had to miss about 5-10 minutes at the end of Sunday School, and the morning announcements before the worship service began (because she needed to eat.) The rest of the time, she contentedly "munched" on her pacifier or napped. The other kids did great, too...they were even extra easy to round up and get to the car afterward. :) So proud of the whole crew...and so grateful for God's mercy and grace in getting us through!! Thanks also to everyone who helped out between SS and the service, getting kids where they needed to be and monitoring them, saving a seat for me...and afterwards, thanks to those who stayed late in the nursery with Collin until I could get there, and also to everyone who made sure we had everything ready and everyone gathered when it was time for us to go. I'm so thankful for each of you!The rest of our first day on our own went really smoothly, too. I'm sure there will be hiccups along the way, especially this first week, but it was so encouraging to get things off to a good start. We had some leftovers in the fridge that made lunch a snap, the kids were very flexible and patient (I had to feed Julia before I could get lunch for anyone else), the three littlest took great naps while the girls occupied themselves quietly (so I got a nap too!), the afternoon went well, dinner prep went well, everyone minded their manners at the table, we used our devo time to catch up on the beginning of Daniel (which is where we're all studying in Sunday School right now), AND, after the boys were in bed, I had some relaxed time to read with the girls!! Even Julia was wide awake (and I mean WIDE...those eyes...wow!) The girls went right to bed, Jules enjoyed her bath, and now she's contentedly waiting for her last feeding before bed. It's been a really smooth, good day.
Thank you for your continued prayers...Scott and I are both so grateful!

Pacing

One of the defining characteristics of Scott's deployment last year was a consistent and focused drive to make the most of that time. I deliberately planned things to force myself (and hopefully to help the kids) look at all the neat opportunities and experiences we could enjoy, all the chances we had to grow...something to help insure that we weren't just surviving those many days before Daddy could come back home. I wanted us to enjoy them and appreciate their potential fullness.

Though that purposeful drive has been in the back of my mind thus far through THIS deployment, I'll be the very first to admit that it's...well...stayed pretty much at the back of my mind. I've focused, up to this point, primarily on just the things that HAD to get done....the things that HAD to be planned. Everything has been centered around surviving--and making that survival as easy and seamless as possible.

After Julia was delivered, and even more so now that we are home and doing well (and even MORE because my mom is leaving in the morning...*sniff!!*), I find myself looking for that new normal. I hadn't looked any further than our hospital stay before now, partly because I couldn't see that far ahead and didn't know what to expect or plan for, and partly because I couldn't look that far ahead--it was too scary and emotionally charged. Two very different reasons. I don't regret that, per se...I really have been doing the best I can; however, now that we're past those huge one-time, intense-planning-required events, it's time to make sure our routine is right. That necessitates that our focus be right...and that our routine reflects in action (and not just word) where our focus lies.

It's kind of like a marathon, really...but broken up into mini-races. I have to be careful not to overdo things and push too hard too fast...otherwise, just like with running, I'll run out of steam and render myself incapable of enduring to the "end."

I'm so task-oriented, so accomplishment-focused, that I can see significant obstacles already. My very thinking and the way I evaluate success vs. failure HAS to be altered.

Step 1: Abolish the To-Do List.
My list is really pretty manageable and has helped me organize all the chores in a way where I can get everything done (usually)--Mondays: bedrooms/sheets; Tuesdays: groceries and kitchen; Wednesdays: bathrooms, towels; etc...

The problem with this type of list for this particular season (at least for me) is that I know I'll get stressed out if I don't finish everything on the list for that particular day...or if *gasp* I have to swap days around...or if *double gasp* something gets completely crossed OFF the list! I'm not saying that's ever a good way to be, but particularly right now, it would totally sink me.

Instead, I think I'm going to try a more basic method of time management, probably starting off with *something* like the following, at least to begin with:
By 8:30ish, be done with breakfast and have everyone dressed.
9:00-10:30 Chores (whatever needs the most attention)
10:30-noon FUN with the kids...the memory-making kind. Outings, activities, games WITH them instead of just supervising... (I realize some people might have a complete conniption fit over the fact that I'm scheduling fun with my kids, but...well, I'm sure such people will eventually recover.) :)
12:00 Lunch
12:45 boys and Julia down for naps, girls set up with pre-planned quiet activity (so grateful for lesson-planning experience), clean up kitchen and nap for me!
3:00-4:30 Littles up from naps, snack, games/outside (if weather permits)
4:30 Dinner prep (with girls), boys-TV/movie (don't judge.)
5:30 Dinner
6:30 Clean up dinner, baths (except for the baby), read chapter book aloud to the big ones
7:30-8:00 Devotional and prayers with boys, bed/lights out
8:00-8:30 Devotional and prayers with girls
8:30-9:00 Free reading time for girls/journaling, lights out
9:00-10:00 Finish up kitchen (or whatever) and try to keep Julia awake
10:00 Julia's bath, feeding, BED (for her and me!)

ANYWAY...I *think* I could keep up with something like that without being too overwhelmed and (hopefully) without overwhelming everyone around me. And it's easier for me to be flexible with times than with tasks. (I'm not sure why.) And, I'm sure, it will require revision...if not immediately, then certainly as Julia's feeding/sleeping schedule changes.

Step 2: DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A GOOD NAP!
It would be totally my style to see the mounting pile of undone stuff and opt to work through the quiet time (noting how efficiently I could get things done) instead of using it to rest. At this point, that would probably be about the dumbest thing I could do.

I am not a very pleasant person if I'm over-tired. No, really. (And those of you who know me this well, you have my permission to quit you smug nodding and smiling! Haha!) :)

Julia is SUCH a good baby. She's the first of my five kids to come home with her days and nights already straightened out. She's the first to have effortless awake time in the evening, so she's good and tired by bedtime. She's the first to do her cluster feeding during the day at OPPORTUNE times, instead of at 2 AM!! AND, even though my first sleep priority is to get everyone's daytime naps synced, she naturally did it on her own! I know...I am one majorly blessed mama!!!

But see, I have other kids, too...who tend to be cranky and whiny and hungry at the most INopportune times! Example: I despise from 4:30-7:30 every evening. In those hours, I have to figure out how to juggle dinner prep, baby feeding, control of kids (who seem crazier at that time of day than at any other, more prone to emotional break-downs and fighting due to hunger and fatigue, etc.), getting everyone seated at the table and served appropriate amounts of food, monitor manners, clean up (including a good sink-scouring right now, since that's the baby's bathtub), feed the baby again, get kids bathed and ready for bed and calmed down, and generally try not to lose my mind. Moms out there? Yes?? Surely I'm not the only one who feels this way... (Even before baby J, the dinner-bedtime hours were my least favorite!) If I add my own fatigue to all of this (and consequently my naggy, grouchy, impatient temper), you can imagine how extreme the level of NOT GOOD could get!

The moral of this hypothetical sequence of unraveling events: don't skip the nap!!

Step 3: CHILL!!!
In other words: stop feeling the need to be Monk. It's not necessary that the floor be sterile. It's not necessary that the marks from the vacuum cleaner be symmetrical. No one (but me) is going to care if there are finger marks on the front window from Collin trying to see out. The world is not going to end on account of some unfolded laundry!

Ultimately, I suppose, it all boils down to this. Be anxious for nothing. Don't make mountains out of molehills. Don't sweat the small stuff. Prioritize and relax!!

*deep breath*

It's all going to be okay...just gotta pace myself. :)

Wordless Wednesday

Wings Like Eagles

As I booted up the computer, logged into Blogger, and even now, as I sit here, I keep gazing out my window. There's a red-tailed hawk floating on the breeze over the field behind our house. He's not having to flap his massive wings; in fact, his soaring looks so effortless. Watching him, supported by the wind, I was reminded of this passage, a favorite committed to memory back in my college days:

"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the
Creator of the ends of the earth Does not become weary or tired. His
understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary, And to him who
lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired, And
vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new
strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get
tired, They will walk and not become weary." (Isaiah 40:28-31, NASB)

This is a good synopsis of all that's been overflowing from my heart this past week.

Thanks to those of you who have asked how we are and are continuing to pray! We are all continuing to do well. Really well! Weirdly well. The only way to explain how well things are going is that it's by God's grace and good gifts. Truly.

God is good all the time. If things were really hard right now, it wouldn't diminish His goodness...but how sweet it is that He delights in giving and in lavishing sweet mercies on His children. Simple things like swelling, stitches, heavy bleeding, lots of discomfort, cramping (especially with the nursing) have all be normal characteristics of my previous deliveries and recoveries. I expected them all this time around...not with trepidation, but just a matter-of-fact resolve to plow through; admittedly, I did fear other things being even more pronounced: the "baby blues," in particular. I worried that I might not bond with the baby well, that I'd feel guilty for experiencing all the wonder of her new little life without Scott. In God's great mercy, He's literally spared me from all my fears, at least so far, and even from the more normal obstacles. Even the doctors and nurses were baffled by how pain-free I was and how quickly and easily I could move around. *I* was surprised. But what an amazing testimony to my Savior's love, faithfulness, kindness, and grace.

His grace IS sufficient. (2 Cor. 12:9)
His mercies ARE new every morning. (Lam. 3:21-24...)

Great is His faithfulness, indeed!!

A prominent and recurring prayer of mine is that our story through this deployment would be one that magnifies God's grace--that His character and goodness and providence and plan would be center stage.

Many times, I'll readily confess, I'm pleading that this focus and attitude would truly resonate in my heart...tearfully, I've cried out because a piece of me (sometimes a very large piece of me) rebels against this and would much (MUCHmuchmuch) rather our family be together. In my flesh, I desire my own comfort more than conformity to Christ. I'm not proud of that. It is a creeping, often subtle temptation that worms its way into my thoughts and emotions, demanding vigilant battle to keep it at bay.

But God...

But God.

He knows my weaknesses and frailty far better than I do. And He's carried me...in countless ways just this week! He has set me on wings like eagles', renewed my strength, and given me a song.

I hope you will each be encouraged to know you've been given a piece of these miracles, too, as you walk with us and pray with and for us! We serve an incredible God who is capable of bringing beauty from ashes, confident hope out of fear, and blessing from darkness!!!

Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

Mostly Pictures

I wish I could find or create more time to write (my heart is so full!), but I suppose it will all keep. For now, here are just a few pictures from Julia's first couple days at home.

Her first bath:
This first picture shows her demonstrating what I affectionately call her "Muppet face." She has an uncanny ability to look exactly like Beaker. :) Apparently, guidelines have changed since I first started having kids, and now it's okay to give regular baths even before the umbilical cord falls off. This is lovely because sponge baths, no matter how a person is, are always cold and unpleasant. Julia loved being in the warm water and was alert, quiet, and pleasant the entire time.


She didn't even mind being taken out and dried off.
I'm including the picture below, mainly because you can kind of tell how yellow she was. Her bilirubin was pretty high when we left the hospital (right on the border where they debated keeping us longer), so she had to go in for a "color check" the next day. Her levels were already improving (and have improved exponentially now that she's getting much more to eat...yikes!), so now we're just watching her weight. All total (I think she was at her official low weight at that color check appointment), she lost 12 ounces...more than any of my other babies. She's...um...a dainty eater (in contrast with my gluttonous boys ♥ ) and didn't take to nursing quite as easily as some. I have to take her back to the doctor again on Monday for another weight check, but I'm pretty sure she'll knock their socks off this time. She's figuring things out and not having to work as hard to get a good meal. (That's an understatement...think sticking your mouth around a fire hose turned on full blast, and your humor and imagination will give you a glimpse into her/our feeding sessions, haha!)
And those of you on Facebook have already seen the second picture below, but I thought I'd post it here too. Katy, several months ago, received some hand-me-down clothes from a friend (thanks, Elaina!) and this has been one of her favorite dresses ever since. Then, a few weeks ago, another friend (thanks Teara!) brought a dress exactly like it for baby J! Katy was thrilled to get to be "twins" with her baby sister, so we took some pictures.
I might get back out to see if I can snag one in Emily's size too...you know, so she won't feel left out. :)
And everything continues to go well! My dad will be flying back home tomorrow morning, and we're all going to really miss him. He's been a huge help and encouragement to my mom and toe me...and the kids have had fun doing math, reading stories, and figuring out his quirky sense of humor. (Hilarious!) Love you, Dad! Thank you for everything!!!

Thank you for all of your continued prayers! I'll post more as I can. :)

Julia's Arrival

First off, I really want to thank all of you again for your outpouring of prayer and support. I'm humbled and amazed...and words seem so small. Thank you.

I also wanted to tell you about Julie-bean's arrival. God's providence and grace were SO clear through the entire day (as well as the preparation beforehand). What an amazing God we serve, Who not only provides what we need, but also abundantly more than we had thought to ask for, could have planned for, or dared to hope for! He delights in giving good gifts to His children...we know this, yet it still takes me by surprise.

This is the first time we have chronicled a labor/delivery with pictures. (Yes, they are all discreet.) :) To be completely honest, there are so many things I've just taken for granted in the past...things that were different this time because of our military-induced situation...and I just didn't expect things to work out in such a beautiful, comforting, astoundingly peaceful way. I couldn't see how it would be possible, but nothing is impossible with God. :)

The day began early. I had to check in at the birth center at 6 AM. My dad drove me over and stayed until I was settled in my room, and my dear friend (and the wife of my pastor) met us there. She had agreed early on, when we first found out Scott would be away during this time, to be with me during the whole ordeal. I was terrified, as in the past, the only person privy to the way I muddle through pain (and the obvious and unavoidable breeches in privacy/modesty) was Scott. The only thing I could think of that would be more terrifying was going through it all alone.
So, "D" met us at the birth center, helped pass the time by talking and laughing with me, set up some great music on her laptop, documented the day with all the pictures you've seen posted so far (and those to follow in this post), and was an all-around light in the day. The awkwardness I feared so much never came...I'm all teary just typing about God's gift of friendship and provision through her!

My nurses were also wonderful. The ones on duty when we arrived got me checked in and started my IV. Through the course of conversation, they learned some of the background and why Scott couldn't be present...that was passed along from shift to shift (so I never had to say anything else about it) and everyone was very kind and understanding if I happened to be on the phone when they came in to check on me. I'm grateful for their patience; I know I wasn't their only patient, but I appreciated so much their respect and understanding that I couldn't simply call him back "later."

In fact, in the picture below I am on the phone with Scott, after the Pitocin was started, but obviously early enough into it that I'm still smiling. :) If I had gone into labor on my own, I had a number and instructions for how to reach him through the Red Cross, but since I was being induced, I never had to use that resource. He was able to call me (through Google talk) and he just called every hour-ish for updates throughout the day.

Every place handles the induction process a little differently, I've learned. In the past, they've broken my water soon after beginning the pitocin. This time, they waited several hours and only went ahead with it (I think) to get my contractions closer together.About 30 minutes (I think) after my water broke, the pain had increased significantly. I had been discouraged with my (comparatively) slow progress up to that point and wasn't confident I could continue to manage the pain without an epidural, so I decided to go ahead and ask for one. (I was at dilated to 6 cm at that point, and was having good contractions every 2-3 minutes.) By the time the anesthesia team got there, I was dilated to an 8 and wanted to rip both my arms off and beat people with them. I guess that means, on a scale of 1-10, my pain level was about a 25.

One of the nurses (I think) commented on how the anesthesiologist was "Speedy Gonzales," but it seemed to be taking FOREVER. Toward the end of the process, my doctor came in to check on me. He had to go across the street to the main hospital, he said, but he'd be back shortly because he didn't think it would be too much longer.

Moments later, my epidural was in and they said I should notice basically instant relief from the pain, just not the pressure. They also said that if I wanted something stronger (they'd given one of the weaker meds), then I could just ask them for it. I had another contraction about a minute after that that about sent me through the roof...lots of pressure...so I asked for something stronger and my coach, "D," suggested they check me again because I've progressed quickly in the past. I was at 9 1/2 cm! So, they paged my doctor (who hadn't even made it out of the building yet), and by the time he got there, I was fully dilated and ready to push.

Sometime in those few minutes, about 800 people came into the room. Okay...maybe 9 or 10, and I didn't really notice them a whole lot because my eyes were closed most of the rest of the time. (The lights are really bright and I was pushing...your eyes would've been closed, too, under such circumstances. :) )

After about four contractions, she was out...with no tearing or stitches this time around. (Yesssss!) But aside from Julia being born, THE coolest thing was that Scott "happened" to call just as I was getting ready to push! There's no way we could've planned it that way if we'd tried. He got to hear the whole delivery and Julia's first cries over the phone, real time!! I got to speak with him (though just briefly...I was sorta busy still) just after she was out; someone held the phone up to my ear for me.

It was unbelievable, this sweet and completely unexpected gift...simply amazing!

Instead of weighing and measuring her right away, here they leave you alone for about an hour. She got to eat, look around, let her eyes cross, and exercise her velociraptor-esque (read perfect and healthy) lungs. :)

And at the end of that hour, the pictures included in my last post were taken.

It was a beautiful day, start to finish (minus the wanting-to-rip-my-arms-off-and-beat-someone-with-them part, maybe), so much moreso than I'd even let myself hope for. Even aside from all the unexpected "extra" blessings, I was confident in God's goodness, but I was absolutely blown away by his orchestration of specifically kind and generous blessings! He is certainly not to be underestimated!

She's Here!

Julia Danielle Eidson took her first breath this afternoon at 1:55!

I'm not sure if you can tell in the picture or not, but it looks like her hair is going to be light (she HAS hair! Amazing...) I can't tell much about her eyes yet. She looks a lot like...um...I have no idea. Her eyes are shaped kind of like Ian's, and something about her nose/mouth reminds me of Collin. My girls have just gotten too big...I'll have to look back at some pictures to compare, I guess. :)

She is doing great, eating pretty well (or at least learning), and has an AWESOME set of lungs! :) She is 19 (and 1/4) inches long and weighs 7 pounds, 7.7 ounces...
7 is the number of perfection, right? :)
But, rounded up, that's 7 pounds 8 ounces.
I'll tell more about the actual birth when I have a little more energy, but I did want to share some pictures right away. :)

When my parents arrived with the kids, they were just in time to see her get her first bath.
Clearly, Julia was enjoying herself...
We were also able to Skype with Daddy! And then the kids got to spend some time getting acquainted with their new baby sister...as did Grandma and Grampa
Thank you so much to each of you for your prayers! It has been a day absolutely covered by grace, and our hearts are so full! I can't wait to share some of the ways the Lord bombarded us with His mercy and lovingkindness! Hopefully tomorrow... :)

I'm off to try to sleep a little...

Thank you again, everyone!

Just a Short Note

I thought I'd give one more brief update before welcoming Little Miss #5 to our crew.

My dad flew in safely on Friday evening, and today marks one week since my mom arrived. I am so thankful to have them here...there's a security I hadn't even realized was missing until they came. The kids have settled into a comfortable groove with them, and that fact alone eases my heart.

Over the past several weeks, the peace I've felt truly is indescribable. So many people have invested so much time, effort, energy, and resources to walk this path alongside us...our church family really is just that: family. All the necessities are being covered, and I am so so so so SOOO grateful...but it also needs to be said that it's never a replacement for Scott.

Please pray for him as he's far away physically, but with his heart remaining here with the rest of us. Please pray for the coming weeks and months as we navigate the unknown. Though I've felt very at peace recently, tomorrow is the end of what I've looked at and tried to plan. Naturally, there's no way to account for everything, but after tomorrow, I feel utterly unprepared.

And I'm scared.

God has provided. He will continue to provide. I don't lack confidence in Him. I just miss my husband and covet your prayers that I will "hold it together" emotionally...and in every other way. Or that I'll see how to let the Lord hold me together.

I'll post updates and pictures when I'm able. :)
Much love and many thanks to all of you!

Insecurity

I want to preface this post by explaining that nothing I write here is meant to beg for encouraging or complimentary responses. I'm not really looking for anyone to "build me up" or make me feel better...I'm really only sharing these things publicly because I suspect I'm not the only person who's ever felt this way, wondered these types of things, or wrestled to quiet an inner critic.

Also, in my case at least, I think my primary issue is my own pride. Though I do realize I'm not alone in this, I'm in NO WAY trying to excuse the fact (yes, fact) that I'm horribly self-consumed or introspective to a fault many times. I've found the best cure for this is to delve into service of some sort, making my thoughts and time be consumed by someone else, meeting needs that have little or nothing to do with me.

And finally, my thoughts aren't organized at all, so this has great potential to be a long, rambly, not very easy-to-follow post.

The older I get, the more I am realizing that some of my greatest weaknesses are intrinsically intertwined with my greatest strengths. For example, I despise the way I'm so emotionally tied to everything. I hate that I cry easily (always have), that my feelings get hurt even when I intellectually KNOW that the feeling-hurter didn't intend it that way, and that issues all snowball in my mind because I can't figure out how to separate them enough to conquer one at a time. On the other hand, my extreme emotionalism also helps me relate to others. I genuinely CAN place myself in their situation (many times), understand what they're probably feeling, and (often) use that understanding to find ways to help or come alongside them. On the other hand, this has also backfired...because NOT everyone reacts or feels about things the same way I do. And NOT everyone finds the same types of things helpful that I do. And sometimes (maybe most of the time?) people find it extraordinarily annoying that I can "relate" to everything they're going through...like, maybe I'm actually being a one-upper or somehow trying to compete with them over how incredibly bad or good a particular circumstance is... :( See, if no one has anything to say or can't relate to what I'm telling them about, then I get all insecure that I'm the only one who struggles with that particular issue; but not everyone is like that. Some people, I would assume, genuinely just want a sounding board...preferably one that doesn't talk back.

And then there are the things in life (choices in parenting or how to structure the nitty-gritties in a marriage) that, naturally, would be different from family to family. Similar perspectives or personalities might have similar looking ways of handling [whichever] issues, but no two families can possibly be completely alike. It also stands to reason, especially for issues in parenting or marriage where families are particularly concerned with making the best choices possible, that opinions (and therefore emotions) will be extra strong. Education is an issue I've had a particularly tough time with (and one I don't really want to launch a discussion into right here right now), but it makes sense when you think about it. Parents decide whatever they decide (hopefully) after looking at all the options, praying, weighing pros and cons, praying, doing extensive research, praying, and ultimately making the decision that seems best for their family. After that much work and prayer, it's inconceivable that anyone could come to a right conclusion different than yours, right?

And so battle lines are drawn. Over-generalizations are made. Tensions run high (though maybe not on both "ends" at the same time.) And someone ends up with hurt feelings, being on the outside of the in-crowd.

And then insecurities soar...about issues that aren't even related (really) to education...or whatever the initial head-butting point happened to be.

If *so-and-so* thinks *this decision* is wrong, he/she must be judging everything else about the way I parent, discipline, speak, dress, read, watch, like/dislike,... and on and on and on.

I know I'm not alone in this.

So it becomes easy to wish people would just mind their own business and leave you alone...but then, you don't really want to be alone either, right? We all crave friendships, fellowship, like-minded conversation...generally feeling confident that, even though we are painfully aware of our faults and insecurities, that everyone else has them too and is probably feeling (at least on some level) exactly the same way.

And I'll be so bold as to suggest that all of this happens most of all within churches...because that's where absolute right and wrong are examined and applied, as we strive to be conformed to the likeness of Christ. In modern times, would Jesus public school or private school or home school? Would He drink caffeinated beverages? Would He be silly sometimes or would He always look for the next major task to tackle, conscious of each second "wasted?"

Would He shake His head at us and tell us we're missing the point? His heart is for people, and His perspective is eternal. Insecurity over these types of judgments and friendships based around these (relatively speaking) minor choices are ultimately temporal, self-serving, and prideful, even though such choices are necessary in this life and will be stepping stones or tools used to assist in eternal purposes.

So, of course we will gravitate toward people who think and act like us, do the things we do, like the things we like, and agree with us on decisions we think are important; but we must be guarded against becoming clique-ish and closed to people who are different from us. (This statement should not be confused with condoning/accepting sin.) And ultimately, as long as we're on earth, insecurities will creep in, loneliness will remain a formidable foe, and judgmental attitudes will, even if only seemingly, lurk around dark corners. I'll probably always wrestle to some degree with wondering what people are thinking of me, my kids, my family, our decisions, etc....and I'll probably always battle the retrospective "if only I'd ____," or "what if I'd said ____," or "stupid, stupid, stupid, Shannon! JUST BE QUIET!" (Seriously. Those words literally echo through my mind on many, many occasions, followed by mental head-thunking.) But I hope that those battles will calm some, that I'll even out toward a better balance, that I'll be able to center my perspective increasingly on service over myself...that I will outwardly reflect a continual inner conformity to the image of my Savior. And I hope that I'll extend at least as much grace to others, who are also running this race, as I timidly hope they're extending to me.

Bee Update

I figured I should update you on our scary bee situation!

The bees...are gone.

Not dead, not taken...just gone...somewhere.

Early(ish) Tuesday morning, I called the landlord to let him know about the problem and see what he wanted to do. He was (not surprisingly) completely unhelpful, but thanks to a friend who alerted me to these people I'd never thought of, called BEE KEEPERS (man, that shoulda been obvious, huh?), I already had a second plan of action.

I googled bee keepers in our area and started calling numbers. The first guy that answered was a little far from town, but he recommended another guy (who was slightly closer) who was thrilled at the prospect of coming to get "my" bees...for FREEEEE!

See, it would have worked out to be a win-win for us: I'd get rid of our problem, and he'd get some freebies...or, harharhar, free bees. (I actually thought of that on Facebook yesterday, but I'm so proud of my witty pun that I decided to shamelessly share it here, too.)

ANYWAY, he called around 4:30 yesterday afternoon to make sure the swarm was still in tact, that they hadn't been sprayed with anything, be it water or pesticide, etc. I even walked outside while I was talking to him, just to be sure the situation hadn't changed; it hadn't. All the bees were fine, untouched, and still...swarming. I assured him that I'd talked with my kids about keeping their distance, and the neighbor said he'd talked with his daughter.

Well, 40 minutes later, the bee-man arrived, and as we walked around the back of the house, lo and behold the neighbor girl is spraying the weed patch with a garden hose!!!! I thought the bee man might shoot lightning bolts out of his eyes. By the time we got there, the majority of the swarm had dissipated, and the 50 or so that remained were just buzzing around...not capturable for sure. Bee-guy talked with the neighbor girl (who claimed she "had no idea how the weeds got all wet,"even though we had just SEEN her spray them...) and explained that what she did was...dumb. And then he proceeded to warn me to keep a close eye out for bees in and on our house, explaining that they like to nest in attics (getting in through vents in the eaves of houses) and that ripping out drywall and insulation is a much bigger problem than what we'd started with.

Great.

And shortly thereafter, our very disgruntled bee-man drove away...and I felt exceedingly guilty that he'd made a totally pointless 60-70 mile round trip.

On the bright side (I hope), I've patrolled the perimeter of the house twice today and seen no evidence of bees anywhere. I hope they have moved somewhere far away.

I am not a bee fan. (But I do like honey...so, yay for bee-guys!)