My Critical Condition

I'd like to think that most people probably have issues they're completely oblivious to until something specific happens to enlighten them and shift their perspective...a frank conversation, perhaps.  But it might not be that common of an issue.

Regardless, this is something that happens to me fairly regularly.

I actually think things are fine, maybe even better than they've been; then I get smacked by reality and never even saw it coming.

Perhaps one of my greatest faults is my critical spirit...and the perpetual battle against it. Years ago, I truly believed it was an internal battle only...that the only person of whom I was really critical was myself.  I saw it as part of the curse of perfectionism, an essential negative in contrast with the benefits of setting high standards for myself. (Even this, as it turns out, was an illusion.) Over time, in a wide variety of ways, I came to see how far-reaching this wretched flaw extended.

About 5 years ago, I finally had my eyes opened to the unreasonable expectations and pressures I'd been placing on my husband...and the disrespectful ways I communicated them, many of which were subtle enough (or comparatively so) that I didn't even realize.  The whole, "it's not what you're saying, but how you're saying it" thing didn't make sense to me until one particular "A-ha" conversation. And then I could see a whole world of personal screw-ups (involving countless other people: my kids, among many others) that I'd previously been unaware even existed.

Drastic action was required, and I'm married to a pretty wonderful, loving, and patient guy. By God's grace, some progress has been made.

But there's still so far to go.

Sometimes, when I really look back, the progress seems significant and I'm encouraged.  Other times (usually soon after the encouraging times, haha), I'm smacked again between the eyes by catastrophic failures that don't seem any better than the "me" I thought I'd left behind.  Without a doubt, these are the most crushing moments: the sudden, harsh realizations that I'm still, deep down and despite my greatest efforts, the Incredible Hulk. (...minus the impressive muscles and green-ness.)

Here enters another giant flaw: how do I move beyond defeat to take action? How do I prevent myself from being a wallower?  How do I let it go and move on? Basically, by holding onto this paralyzing guilt, I'm not only living like Christ's death on the cross was insufficient payment (as I behave like I have to continually punish myself), but I'm also living as though I believe I can fix myself by my own volition and determination (as if keeping my sin in the forefront of my mind will prevent me from stumbling in the future). Additionally, I'm NOT making responsible, God-honoring use of my time or attitude because I'm not moving forward. A person can't 'reach forward' or 'press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus' (Phil. 3:13-14) if she is unwilling to 'forget what lies behind.'

In other words, quit dwelling on the past (because you can't change it) and focus on doing things right (for the glory of God) in the future!!!


The practical application is proving stickier, and I'm struggling to get a firm enough grasp on those bootstraps to pull them back up and march on.

A Few Quiet Moments

I'm alone in a quiet house.  Okay, I'm not technically alone since Collin and Julia are asleep upstairs, but it IS quiet! Scott took the older three kiddos to see the Harlem Globetrotters tonight. If he gets some pictures, I'll try to post them in the near future.

I've been a little under the weather the last couple of days, but honestly, today was just about the perfect day to be sick. I didn't have anywhere I needed to go, it was dark and rainy and thunder-y all day, I was relatively caught up on all the housework (even laundry, within reason anyway), the meal on tonight's menu just *happened* to be a crockpot dish, so it was SUPER easy (and tasty), and so I had very little guilt about letting the boys watch cartoons and snuggle with me on the couch.  I feel MUCH better tonight and have high hopes of being normally functional tomorrow. :)

Once the big kids left, I had SO much fun with my littlests, but especially Ju-Ju this time.  Julia's personality is coming out more and more daily, it seems, and while she's not quite as mellow and laid back as she used to be, she's every bit as sweet and pleasant.  We may have a bit of a developing perfectionist on our hands...let me explain.

This is the part where I earn the Mean Mommy award for antagonizing my baby.  It's so sad, and to prevent her from turning into...me...this may require some training in the future (maybe near future). At the same time, though, it's SO FUNNY!

Here is Julia in her element, paging quietly through a book. (She really does turn the pages on her own.)

Reading

She was SUPER happy, squealing, giggling, patting the pages...

While a nearly fool-proof way to get my other kids to laugh around this age was to build a tower out of something and knock it over (or let them knock it over), this is how poor Julia reacts. Every. Time.

It's mean, but I have several little videos very similar to this one, and they make me laugh. Poor Julia. ;)

And with that, I'm signing off. The rest of my family is home, and it sounds like they had a ball!